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The first thing to understand about people suffering from BPD is that they experience emotions on a nuclear level.
Sometimes, this is beautiful – because when they feel love, they feel an extraordinary amount of it.
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1. It’s like trying to laugh at a joke that isn’t funny. Trying to smile for a photo you don’t want to be in. It’s like waking up in the morning and hating that you actually woke up. It feels like someone is just draining the energy out of you every time moment you are awake. It really isn’t that weird that people feel the urge to end their lives during a depression. It really makes you feel like you’re 80 years old, lost your beloved partner, are incapable of of doing what you want to do, and the only thing to find peace is to end your life. Depression is living day-by-day, not knowing what you’re going to do with yourself today. Not knowing if you want to be alive tomorrow.
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Let me run you through a day in the life of my personal brand of schizophrenia:
7:00 am: Wake up and lay in bed for awhile. Although I live alone, I hear footsteps throughout my apartment. I start wondering whether someone broke in during the night, so I get up to check the lock. Not only is the dead bolt still latched, but the chain is also still in tact; however, the footsteps are still in the kitchen, and I have to check the door and whole apartment at least three more times be sure I’m alone.
(photo: @tomblackout)
I can only say from my experience.
I was in a cell. There are also dorms, and I haven’t been in a dorm.
I was in a 2-3 man cell (new guy had to sleep on floor).
I woke up around 5:30 AM or just before( you get used to it). Then there was a count.
At that point you had the option to go back to sleep until breakfast or do something else, such as watch the local news on T.V., work out or try to shower.
You could also read, or do something. I usually got up and started moving around.
Around 7 you’d do another count where they actually looked in you cell to see if it was in order, and then chow.
(photo: @rolinsndvl)
I HATE being a mother. I fucking hate it. Never wanted kids. Yet I was a dumbass 18yo with the “I’m invincible, itll never happen to me!” attitude. I’ve never been so miserable with my life since I found out I was pregnant.
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The sun rises over a clear blue sky, marking the beginning of a beautiful Saturday morning. Six hours later, I wake up in my room with terrible breath and a bit of a headache. The images of last night are still fresh in my memory. My group of friends met this nice group of girls at the club, and one of my friends hit it off with one of the girls. Me, I did not even try, as usual. Always too shy. Too scared to face rejection and too insecure to picture any other outcome. The memory of the night leaves me horny and feeling bad about myself: a perfect combination for watching porn.
It’s 4:25 pm when my parents leave the house.
(photo: @flpschi)
I am in my 80s. To be this age is largely luck. To be this age and reasonably healthy with peace of mind is even luckier. To be this age, be healthy, and not lonely makes one feel so lucky that you want to gulp the moments down like a drowning man reaching air. I have been in five car crashes without being hurt (none were my fault). During the war as a child, I experienced several bombs falling within close range and where people within yards of myself were killed or injured. Numerous other such incidents sometimes gives one a sense of invulnerability, and other times that the next incident won’t be so lucky.
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How did you end up in a polygamous marriage?
I was born and was raised in Saudi Arabia, in Riyadh. A few months before my seventeenth birthday, my father, due to the Guardian System, told me that he had arranged a marriage for me to a foreign businessman in Dubai, and that I would be married within a few weeks.
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I once had it all – literally what seemed to be the pinnacle of my life or so it seemed. We just purchased a beautiful new home in a great area of the city. Zero debt plus 6 figures in the bank. Cute new car. Great position at work. To the outside world, we seemed like the “it” couple. Then everything came crashing down.. fast and HARD!
My son was very troubled. VERY troubled. If you have seen the movie “We Need To Talk About Kevin”, it will really help to understand what I’m talking about, because I swear to God when I watched that film I thought I was watching a documentary of my life, I felt like the writer must have had cameras hidden in my damn house, that’s how accurate it was. The only difference is that in the movie, the boy appears normal to his father and only reveals his true nature to his mother, with my son he didn’t have that mask. His insane behavior was the same with everyone.
[Read more…] about Confessions Of A Father With A Psychopathic Son
