1. It’s like trying to laugh at a joke that isn’t funny. Trying to smile for a photo you don’t want to be in. It’s like waking up in the morning and hating that you actually woke up. It feels like someone is just draining the energy out of you every time moment you are awake. It really isn’t that weird that people feel the urge to end their lives during a depression. It really makes you feel like you’re 80 years old, lost your beloved partner, are incapable of of doing what you want to do, and the only thing to find peace is to end your life. Depression is living day-by-day, not knowing what you’re going to do with yourself today. Not knowing if you want to be alive tomorrow.
2. Depression for me is a constant feeling of wanting to go home, but no matter where I am, I am never home. Even when I’m at my physical home.
It’s a constant sense of wanting to go somewhere else. I’d feel better if i was at this place. Then you go there and then it’s the same exact feeling, just in a different physical location.
I feel mentally homeless and I just want to go home.
3. You wake up in the morning and immediately wish you were still asleep. You’ll maybe try to grab a few more hours and avoid reality a little longer, but by that time your brain has kicked in, reminding you of everything you should be doing and need to do and what a failure you are for not doing them. But the concept of getting up and facing the day seems insurmountable, so you lie there, paralysed by your own self loathing and apathy.
You drag yourself out of bed after a few hours. Put on yesterday’s dirty clothes, avoid showering because it’s too much effort. You consume nothing but coffee all day because eating is too much effort, and besides, you hate yourself too much to deserve food.
You don’t go outside because it’s terrifying and foreign and you may need to interact with others, which involves mustering the tiny amount of energy you have to pretend you don’t feel this way, because the alternative is them seeing how broken you are inside and pitying you.
So you sit and stare blankly at the TV, your computer or your phone trying to kill time but not actually doing anything. Just existing, not processing anything, not thinking anything. Just killing the time until you finally get to go back to bed and lie in the dark unable to sleep because your brain is telling you how pathetic you are for being this way, than you are a failure, a burden, nobody would care if you were dead. But even suicide feels like too much effort. At 4am you’ll finally fall into a six hour sleep that is your only respite from it all, only to wake up and do it all again.
4. Living with depression is like running a marathon with a broken leg and then having everyone run past you and say “Yeah, yeah, broken leg boo-hoo, we’re all tired.” And then run the same fucking race everyday. The cycle.
You’re depressed!
You’re okay, it’ll take time, but you’re okay!
What the hell is taking so long, life blows, you’re depressed again!
You woke up and got dressed today, it’s looking up from here?
SIKE, you fucking idiot, did you truly believe your depression was done with you? You’re dumber than you lead yourself to believe!
Okay, we’re okay, we’re gonna make it. I just gotta stay strong.
Oop, you fucked up once today, I’m dragging your ass back into the dark.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER!
Is there really only one way out? I don’t know if I wanna die, I got a brother who may need me one day. I’m tired. So tired, man.
5. The worst thing about depression,is seeing everyone around you progress in their life and you are stuck in the same place.
Its like when you are playing videogame and you get stuck on some part of mission,while others are having fun,you are having the worst time in ur entire life
6. You know the feeling when you wake up, and you just want to sleep for another 5 minutes? But, you can’t because you are late for something? Imagine that feeling towards everything all the time. Always.
7. Imagine a super bad day. Maybe you lost your job. Or your significant other broke up with you. You are very sad. You may even be weepy. Life is void of colour, taste and smells. Things that once gave you pleasure do nothing. Your friends irritate you. Your favourite movies are kind of meh. Those chips you love to snack on taste bland.
And there is the exhaustion. You are tired all the time – physically and mentally. So exhausted that you don’t want to get out of bed. Or brush your teeth. Or shower/dress. Getting off the couch to make a sandwich is akin to climbing Mount Everest, so fuck that.
Its a deep, dark place. Everyone has experienced emotional upheaval at some point but non-depressed people have a ‘reason’ for it. Its temporary. Depression is living like this all the time. It also fucks with your sense of reason. Many people can’t cope with the pain. It feels like it will never end and you personally feel weak, and like a failure. People around you don’t get how tired you are. They say, take a walk or something else they deem helpful. It doesn’t help though because that walk never happens and the circular reasoning brings you right back to hating yourself.
Depression is a nasty beast but can be helped with the right meds/therapy. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
8. “Feeling nothing” is is the straight up answer, but let me elaborate. You have a bunch of hobbies or interests, that you just don’t feel like doing anymore, for no particular reason. “Oh, in my spare time I love to read a book/play my guitar/go for a walk”. None of that exists anymore. You remember that you (used to/are supposed to) like it, you just do not feel like it. So you stop doing it, and start doing… nothing.
Performing any mundane chore that you have to do, feels like carrying the burden of the one ring. Cleaning? Not gonna happen. Cooking? Who cares? “What is this, hunger? Meh.” Taking a shower? “Oh, jeez, I haven’t showered in 2 days, it’s nice and warm and… But then I’ll have to take of my clothes, and then my hair gets wet, and I’ll have to stand up and….” Getting up? “What is this world, and why am I part of this?”
9. Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to be at all. I don’t necessarily want to die. I just want to have never existed.
10. You asked me how depression felt, and this is what I could come up with…
It feels like I’m walking upstream, through a current strong enough to pull me under four times over
There are others with me, but they are walking along the banks telling me to "just get out of the water". But instead of extending a hand of help, they just move on and leave me behind.
Every once in a while, I find a rock that is strong enough for me to lean on. And I rest for a bit.
But the rocks always get tired of holding me up, and when they let go, I’m left drowning, thrown 50 feet back again.
And nothing is harder, than standing up in that current, when everything in you is telling you how much easier things would be if you just let yourself get dragged under.
11. It’s like I’m watching life on TV instead of living in it, and all I want to do is change the channel
12. We only wish depression was being “sad”.
But depression is much more than that.
It’s the excuses you have to make when you can’t make that meeting.
It’s the friends and family you’ve lost because you can’t explain why.
It’s the opportunities that land in everyone else’s lap, that they get to grasp with both hands, while yours slip out of your grasp.
It’s the exhaustion that binds your body to your bed.
It’s the hatred and resentment you feel towards yourself, towards the world for being the way it is.
It’s your proven truth that everything and everyone gets better, except for you.
It’s the demon that dragged you down and trapped you in the hellish prison that is your own mind.
It’s the ball and chain locked around your neck, choking the life out of you as you trudge through your marathon, while everyone else gets to charge on ahead, unimpeded.
It’s the wall that blocked you off from life.
It’s the leech that sucked out everything positive about your life and clouds your memories.
It’s not just being “sad”. And we can only wish it was.
