Haven’t yet had sex with my wife of 2.5 years and I feel like I’m in a prison and am rotting from the inside
We saved sex for marriage, didn’t really grow up in purity culture, or at least feel any shame or pressure. The night of our wedding was met with tears and fear. I admittedly didn’t react well. Trying to understand if I did something, or if there was something she wasn’t telling me.
The next 6 months was me highlighting the fact that we NEEDED to figure this out, not only for me, but because we can’t make it normal. She didn’t understand why I wanted this so bad and was confident we’d figure this out.
2 years from that point, we’re still here. 3 different counselors/therapists, 1 year of pelvic therapy, lots of honest talks with friends and still no penetration. At all. Vibrator is fine, but we’ve made no progress. She is unable to get her legs to relax and if I try to force it, it feels like rape. I can’t stay aroused because she’s resisting me, despite her telling me every day that this is something she wants.
I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. She doesn’t want me to watch porn, but I can’t get by with handjobs that I only get if I ask for them. I can’t leave because I vowed to work through our problems, I can’t stay because I want to actually have a chance at a family. I want someone who is passionate about me and actually does something about it. Every marriage in my family has ended, every single one has ended in divorce and I am better than that. But I just don’t see how I’m supposed to live in limbo like this.
I often fantasize about me or her dying because it’s the only way I see out of this.
