- “It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I’m not so sure it should be so difficult.” At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said “the earth is flat.” I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don’t need to be difficult. But eventually I started to realize I was trying to change myself in order to stay with this person rather than just being who I am. It took me 3 more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me.
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“If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?”
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“You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.” At the time, I was a young adult who had learned 0 healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind.
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I was at a high-stress time and I asked her how people live like this. She replied “often times they have cardiac events.” She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible.
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“Why do you think you’re lazy?” Then she listed off all the things she knows I’m doing for my family, my job, and my life. It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example.
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She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there’s still a riptide that you can’t see unless you’re also in the water. Made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn’t erase what is happening underneath.
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“Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.” That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it.
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I told her I think I’m just a weak person. She drew a timeline of the last year on a white board, and asked me what significant things had happened. I had 7 unrelated traumatic events unfold in that year (2019) and I just stared at it. She told me most people only go through one to three traumatic events of that magnitude in their whole lifetime and I cried. I didn’t look at it and think “wow life sucks for me”, I looked at it and was amazed at my strength. Life kept throwing horrors at me, and yet there I was sitting in therapy still fighting. I still doubt my strengths but whenever I remember that moment, I realise I am made of steel.
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You are not responsible for your parents’ emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you.
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“Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable” When talking about people pleasing and fawning.
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“Stop trying to get everyone to agree – when you need everyone to agree the least agreeable person has all the power” Really changed my outlook on planning family events.
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That my job/career is just a way to make money, it’s not my life or identity. Took a lot of pressure off me.
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For context I had a major TBI, seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28. “you have to grieve the loss of yourself” Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The fucked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself.
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“How was anger expressed in your household growing up? Were you allowed to show anger?” At which point I realized I wasn’t allowed to show any negative emotions whatsoever, especially not in reaction to negative emotions from my parents.
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“Your mom is never going to be the parent you want or need, so stop expecting her to be and being mad that she isn’t.”
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“Your urge to self harm is perhaps a desire to tell those around you something that you don’t know how to articulate.”
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“Will worrying about it change the outcome? If the answer is yes, go ahead and worry about it.” I suddenly realized that I couldn’t think of a situation where the answer to that question was ever yes. Really short circuited the worry cycle for me.
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Emotions are not bad, even the unpleasant ones. They all have an appropriate place.
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My counselor said to imagine myself as an orange. Then, consider that not all people like oranges. That doesn’t mean that the orange is flawed in any way, not rotten, just that everyone has preferences. That helped ease my insecurities and need for people pleasing dramatically.
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“Don’t think of the relationship as over. Think of it as complete.” Fundamentally changed how I was processing a tough breakup. So helpful.
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“You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them. But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence. You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.”
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“I was struggling with my alcoholism & we were discussing how I had been cutting back. She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking. I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn’t interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings. She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times? It was as if she’d turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory. But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I’d have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn’t having a drink. I had tried to quit before, but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon? When she asked why I didn’t want to completely quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of big picture. I’d be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures. That was the day I quit. I’ve been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days.”
Theodore Lee is the editor of Caveman Circus. He strives for self-improvement in all areas of his life, except his candy consumption, where he remains a champion gummy worm enthusiast. When not writing about mindfulness or living in integrity, you can find him hiding giant bags of sour patch kids under the bed.