So myself (34m) and my wife (30f) have been together for 5 years. Married for two of those years. We have an amazing marriage, never once had to suspect each other of anything. Our trust is absolute, so this issue is more related to my personal ick and discomfort above all.
I know everyone has a past, I know I’ve had a past. I know she’s had a past. We’ve both had prior relationships and prior casual encounters, so I’m not judgemental. Everyone has a past.
She has a wide circle of friends, she’s very active on social media, she texts a lot of them often, lots of guys and girls. Lots of them she’s known back from her high school and University days before we got married.
These two guy friends in particular are also the same age as her, I’ve met them plenty of times. Nice guys, handsome, never thought anything of it. As far as I knew they were just friends of hers. She doesn’t particularly talk to them more than other friends or anything.
The other day she was at home chatting with them on instagram, I sorta looked over her shoulder cause she was giggling. They were basically commenting on a photo she’d posted of me and her on a night out recently where she was dressed quite attractively. The guy was basically like “ah that takes me back” and some other similar comments, don’t remember the exact words.
I was like what does he mean? She was like “oh we used to have a thing in the past”. I asked her to explain and she was basically like this guy and her used to have a casual thing back right before me and her started dating. I was like what? I never knew this.
Apparently her and this guy and the other guy were all roommates for a while and she was fuckbuddies with both of them while she was roommates with them and this continued after she moved out. Apparently the “relationship” continued up until me and her started dating which is when it stopped.
I know of course she’s had past boyfriends and past casual encounters but this is the first time I’ve heard these two guys were FWBs with her and apparently for a long time while they were living together.
Tbh I was not okay with. I told her I’m not okay with her still being friends with them and chatting and laughing with them. It’s weird being friends with people you’ve had sex with when you’re in a marriage. I’m not friends with any if my exes.
She said they’re not really exes, she never loved them or had a romantic relationship or feelings for them, they were just two guy friends that were all living together that she fooled around with just for fun and it was a long time ago.
The whole thing escalated into an argument and now I’m mad cause she won’t respect my demands or my feelings regarding the subject. I pretty much put my foot down and demanded she cut them out of her life and she refused. I don’t feel threatened by them I just don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be friends with them and it crosses my personal boundaries.
What should we do here? Am I being completely unreasonable, or am I justified in feeling uncomfortable with this? Should she at least consider my request to end the friendship with them? I don’t like the idea of her being friends with two guys she was fuckbuddies with.
It sounds like you’re grappling with a situation that cuts deep into the core values of trust, respect, and boundaries within your marriage.
Respect in a relationship is non-negotiable, and your feelings of discomfort should be a priority for your wife as much as her feelings should be for you.
The crux of the issue isn’t the past itself but how the past is being allowed to intrude into the present in a way that disrespects your relationship and makes you uncomfortable. There’s a difference between maintaining a friendship with people from one’s past and entertaining conversations that cross boundaries of respect towards your current partner and relationship. When former romantic or sexual partners are involved, this balance becomes even more delicate.
Yes, everyone deserves autonomy in their friendships and social interactions. However, part of being in a committed relationship is considering your partner’s feelings and ensuring that external relationships do not undermine the trust and respect that form the foundation of your marriage. It’s about finding a balance that honors both your need for security within the relationship and her independence.
It’s concerning that she dismisses your feelings as controlling rather than understanding them as a need for respect. Dismissing your partner’s discomfort, especially in matters that touch on intimate past relationships, can erode trust and breed resentment. The giggle might seem minor, but it’s symbolic of a larger issue of boundaries and respect.
Communication is key, but it goes beyond just talking. It involves listening, empathizing, and sometimes compromising. If a partner is unwilling to even acknowledge your feelings, much less address them, it raises questions about mutual respect and the future of the relationship.
You’re right to feel uncomfortable, and it’s essential to communicate this to her—not as an ultimatum but as a sincere expression of your feelings. She should understand that certain interactions, especially ones that evoke their sexual past in a trivial or flippant manner, are inappropriate and hurtful.
If your wife prioritizes her ego boost from these interactions over your feelings and the health of your marriage, you might need to reconsider the dynamics of your relationship. Counseling could be a beneficial step to explore these issues with a professional who can guide you through this challenging situation.
Ultimately, everyone’s boundaries are different, but mutual respect is universal. If you can’t find common ground on what respect means in your relationship, then there’s a fundamental mismatch in values that needs addressing, possibly with professional help or, in the absence of progress, reevaluating the relationship’s viability.
Charity is a passionate blogger delving into the intricacies of human connection. With a focus on psychology and relationships, she explores the fascinating dynamics that shape our interactions and experiences. By weaving together research and personal anecdotes, Charity strives to create a space for understanding ourselves and building healthier, happier relationships.