1. He wished he had been a better father to his daughter. He wished they had reconnected. His dementia prevented him from remembering they had reconnected years before and that she visited often.
I wish I could have made him aware that he had accomplished his last wish. But he died not really understanding that.
2. He was one of my first patients as a nursing student, named Frank. He was 92. After knowing him a few days, he disclosed to me his regret was outliving everyone he loved.. that he and his wife hadn’t had kids, and he was “all that was left” and that he wanted to see his wife again. I wasn’t sure how to respond , so I just listened… and it made me realize how living so long isn’t great if everyone you love is gone.
He passed away later that week, and while I distinctly recall some of my classmates being upset, I felt relief for him. I knew he was where he wanted to be. I’ve had many patients since, but you tend to remember your first ones.
Other than that, ditto what everyone’s saying, more time with family/loved ones, wish they wasted less time with work or other bullshit, etc.
3. I worked as an oncology nurse right out of nursing school. I was barely 21 years old. Had a patient about my age who was dying of lung cancer. A few hours before he died I sat with him and he was telling me how much he wished that he would have had more time-to maybe fall in love, marry, have kids. He was so young. He asked me to call his parents and he died shortly after they arrived. It was awful. His regrets were more about the life not lived. Many older patients had some interesting life stories and most wanted to tell them before they died. Most were at peace with the life they lived. Many regretted working so much and not spending enough time with family.
4. In the ER it’s not something most people see coming when they arrive but it’s usually the same regret when they are coherent. They all wish their family was there (which sucks even more lately with covid since family can’t come in initially).
Or they cry out for their SO in a panic. It’s gotten to the point recently where we tell them “”SO” is right here with you”. The look of relief on people’s faces just hearing that gets me everytime. People just want to not be alone at the end.
5. I’m a hospice social worker, so I have the honor of getting to listen to peoples’ life stories, including favorite memories and regrets. Most regrets center around what they didn’t get to do, like never traveling to Italy when their family was originally from Naples. Some regret not getting specific education – wanting to go to college but never doing it. Some regret their choice in partner, especially when alcohol/drug abuse was involved, or cheating. Many express a sadness that looks a lot like regret if they are estranged from family. And some have anticipatory grief from knowing they will miss a milestone, like the birth of a grandchild. Some regret not taking better care of their health (people with COPD who regret ever having a cigarette). In general life is long and time smooths some of the rough edges, so people tend to focus on the good.
6. I was a new nurse, flying solo. We got a call for an incoming trauma, woman in her 50’s involved in a multi-car accident. We were all ready at the ambulance bay, unsure of the woman’s complete condition.
She rolled in breathing on her own, but very labored with asymmetrical chest expansion. She was profusely bleeding, had multiple deep lacerations, pupils blown, debris covering most of her, etc. Her vitals were unstable, she was circling the drain, we knew she was on the verge of coding… I was standing near her head, ready to assist in supporting her airway but also providing comfort and doing my best to calm her.
The woman looked me directly in the eyes and in a hoarse, labored voice stated, “I was angry, I told her I was disappointed in her.” She began to cry, her vitals plummeted. “I’m sorry,” was the last thing she said before her heart stopped. We coded her, intubated her, performed round after round of ACLS, only to eventually have to call time of death.
I still see her face at times, her eyes filled with more emotional pain than physical. It took much longer and was so much harder to write this than I thought it would be….
7. I was a hospice nurse. One of my elderly patients had skin cancer, a huge malignant melanoma on the side of his neck that was growing rapidly. He had been a farmer all his life and never married. One night we were talking and I asked him if there was anything he wished he had done differently in his life, and he thought about it a minute and said he wished he had worn a hat when he was farming. I wish he did too.
8. I work in a hospital. Whenever someone is at the end of their life, they always just want to be with their loved ones. Any regrets I’ve heard is always family related… They wanted more time with the people they love. Most people are at peace with things though. People also tend to wish they took their health seriously.
9. I’ve worked in long term care for over a decade. I can’t speak for the young, but most often old people regret the things they DIDN’T do.
10. I had a patient who I was in the room with when her doctor explained she only had a few weeks to live. I knew her well, spent quite a bit of time talking to her up to the news. The days that followed, she seemed to have accepted she was dying. She lived this beautiful, independent, and successful life, maybe not money successful, but just plain happy.
Anyways when I was helping her to the tub on day 10 since receiving the news, she just broke down crying and couldn’t stop crying about how much she wished she didn’t put her dog down b/c they could have died together.
Come to find out her dog was on his death bed too. I guess she put her dog down a few days before going into the hospital, she knew her life was over so she put him down first. She hated herself for it and for the fact she blew the opportunity for them to spend their last moments together. Really heartbreaking to watch, to hear that unfold.
She passed early in the morning two days later. I took a couple of mental health days off after she passed and spent some time looking up dogs to adopt and new jobs to apply for.
11. My grandmother used to be a nurse and she would say “I’ve seen a lot of people through their last days and heard a lot of regrets, but I have never heard anyone coming up to the end wishing they had spent more time working.”
Theodore Lee is the editor of Caveman Circus. He strives for self-improvement in all areas of his life, except his candy consumption, where he remains a champion gummy worm enthusiast. When not writing about mindfulness or living in integrity, you can find him hiding giant bags of sour patch kids under the bed.