The Perils of Trying to ‘Fix’ Your Partner

The urge to “fix” our partners is deeply ingrained in us. We see a flaw, a weakness, an irritating habit, and our natural instinct is to step in and make things better. But what if, in trying to fix our spouses, we’re actually damaging the very relationship we’re trying to save?

Here’s the truth: you can’t fix your spouse. They are an individual with their own unique set of experiences, values, and desires. Trying to mold them into your ideal version is not only disrespectful but ultimately futile. It breeds resentment, fuels power struggles, and erodes the foundation of trust and acceptance that healthy relationships need.

The Illusion of Change

At the heart of the desire to change one’s spouse lies a fundamental misunderstanding of love and acceptance. Love, in its truest form, is unconditional, embracing the other person’s flaws, quirks, and differences. Attempting to mold your partner into an idealized version not only erodes this unconditional acceptance but also sends a message of inadequacy, fostering resentment and insecurity.

Moreover, the belief that one can change another person overlooks the essential principle of personal autonomy. Each individual’s journey of growth and self-improvement is inherently personal and cannot be coerced or directed by an external party, not even by a spouse. Such attempts often lead to resistance and can strain the relationship further.

So, instead of focusing on fixing, consider these alternative approaches:

1. Focus on understanding, not changing. Instead of jumping to solutions, practice active listening and genuine curiosity. What’s going on beneath the surface of your partner’s behavior? What are their fears, hopes, and motivations? When you truly understand their perspective, you can respond with empathy and compassion, creating a space for open communication and growth.

2. Offer support, not ultimatums. Does your partner want to change a behavior? Great! Offer encouragement and support, but avoid making demands or setting ultimatums. True change comes from within, and coercion rarely leads to lasting results.

3. Address your own needs constructively. If your partner’s behavior bothers you, don’t bottle it up. Communicate your feelings clearly and calmly, focusing on how their actions impact you without attacking their character. Be prepared to compromise and find solutions that work for both of you.

4. Remember, you’re a team, not a project. Relationships are partnerships, not projects with predetermined outcomes. Celebrate your differences, appreciate each other’s strengths, and work together to navigate challenges. Focus on building a strong, supportive connection, not on achieving some idealized version of each other.

5. Seek professional help if needed. If communication becomes impossible or resentment runs deep, consider seeking professional help from a couples therapist. A neutral third party can facilitate healthy communication, offer tools for conflict resolution, and guide you both towards a more fulfilling and respectful relationship.

Let’s examine a common scenario where one partner Alex, attempts to ‘fix’ their spouse, Jordan, specifically targeting Jordan’s eating habits.

Alex notices that Jordan often opts for fast food and sugary snacks, which they believe is impacting Jordan’s health and energy levels. Motivated by concern, Alex decides to intervene, replacing all the junk food in the house with healthy alternatives and criticizing Jordan’s food choices at every opportunity.

Breakdown of the Scenario

1. Initial Motivation: Alex’s concern for Jordan’s health is genuine and comes from a place of love. However, the approach taken—attempting to control and change Jordan’s diet—can lead to various negative outcomes.

2. Reaction to Change: Jordan feels controlled and judged, leading to feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Instead of appreciating Alex’s efforts, Jordan sees them as a lack of acceptance and respect for their autonomy.

3. Impact on the Relationship: The dynamic shifts from partnership to parent-child, where Alex is the ‘fixer’ and Jordan the ‘project’. This undermines the equality and mutual respect in the relationship, fostering resentment and a possible increase in secretive eating habits by Jordan.

4. Communication Breakdown: Alex’s decision to change the diet without a prior discussion with Jordan sidesteps healthy communication. It denies Jordan the opportunity to express their feelings, preferences, or readiness for change.

Constructive Alternatives

1. Open Dialogue: Alex could initiate a conversation expressing their concerns without judgment or ultimatums, focusing on feelings rather than accusations. For example, “I’ve noticed some of our eating habits might not be the best for our health, and I’m worried about how it might affect us in the long run. How do you feel about it?”

2. Joint Decision-Making: Instead of unilateral decisions, Alex and Jordan could collaborate on dietary choices. This could include planning meals together, finding healthy recipes that both enjoy, and setting mutual goals for health improvements.

3. Support Without Coercion: Alex can offer support for any changes Jordan wants to make, such as joining a cooking class together or setting up a system of encouragement and positive reinforcement for healthy choices made by either partner.

4. Respecting Autonomy: Alex needs to respect Jordan’s right to make their own choices, even if they disagree with them. It’s crucial to recognize that change, if desired, will happen at Jordan’s pace and willpower, not Alex’s.

5. Seeking External Support: If dietary changes are a significant concern, suggesting a consultation with a nutritionist could be a positive step. This professional guidance can provide a neutral ground for discussing dietary habits and health without the emotional baggage of a spouse trying to enforce change.