As an actual narcissist, I’m writing anonymously to avoid being exposed. I may not be officially diagnosed with NPD (nor I’d ever want to be), but two of my psychologists, including the current one, described me as "a narcissist", and being a psychology student myself, I think it’s unfortunately accurate.
My self-image, it’s quite inconsistent. Sometimes, I do feel grandiose, but in many aspects I am objectively above-average, at least.
Since I’ve had episodes of serious depression, I’ll explain it in comparison to that.
When you are depressed, you view yourself as horrible by cherry-picking your worst qualities and experiences. It might be accurate – if a bit exaggerated – but you forget about the good things.
Now, narcissistic grandiosity feels like the opposite of that. You cherry-pick your best qualities and experiences. When you think of yourself, only your successes and capabilities come to your mind. (Part accurate, part exaggerated)
Now how does being a narcissist feel? I think the feeling i could most strongly attribute to being a narcissist, is the constant need to be important, respected and powerful. If people treat you with just a tiny little bit less respect, than you think you deserve, you get angry. And by angry, I mean internally consumed by rage.
That awful, bitter feeling started in my childhood (obviously). I’ll describe the process as well as I can.
So… I used to be a very kind, intelligent, but a bit spirited, and more than a bit aggressive child until my early teens. While I was always in the top quarter of the class, and pretty responsible for my age, there were those times, when I was told off, called cheeky, punished, ect…
For most people, this is a normal part of their childhood, but for me, it increasingly felt like being unfair to me, and I couldn’t accept that. I resented adults (and I still do) more than anything. Every mistake seemed bigger in their eyes when I made them, than when they did.
Swearing, wanting too much, becoming angry, speaking my mind had much more consequences for me, than for them. (I know, this is true for all minor mistakes of children, compared to that of their parents, but still. I couldn’t accept. I can’t.)
They spotted all my mistakes so well, so I began to spot theirs.
My parents were relatively sensible people, as far as parents go, but they were certainly no angels. They often shouted at each other, swore all the time, and talked to me and each other in a pretty rude way.
They smoked. They lied. (Who doesn’t?) They didn’t always do well in their jobs. Basically no serious, abusive stuff. But they (and other adults) were of course scandalized, if we, kids did any of that. I always asked them why, and they always reasoned with things like "It’s not your house, You live on your parents’ money, We know better, You should respect your elders…".
And I just felt desperate and powerless. I was too young to work and unqualified anyway.
I couldn’t grow up instantly, but I often fantasized about that when we’ll get older, they would get it all back. They would be dependent on ME! And I would tell them off! I would be the boss. And most of all, I’d be BETTER than them. I’d show them that I’ve ALWAYS been!
But well, meanwhile I had to get my way somehow. I knew by that time that kindness and logic don’t convince everyone, honesty just gets you into trouble, and obedience makes your superiors have even higher expectations towards you. And that is where the narcissist’s best friend, manipulation comes into the picture.
I had to learn how different kinds of people react to different approaches. To use my words as a means to an end, rather than wearing my heart on my sleeve.
In some situations, i needed to tone my tactless, aggressive personality down. That was pretty difficult, but worth it. I genuinely became more patient because of this little self-control exercise.
In others, I needed to exaggerate my emotions. That came pretty naturally.
And by my late teens, I tended to switch from nice to furious in seconds. (It can baffle people into compliance.)
Guilt-tripping and directing the blame at others came as a family legacy. (Heh.)
All of this for that sweet, sweet feeling of power.
Still, I empathize with other people, and will be benevolent towards them, as long as they at least treat me like an equal.
But I’ll be hell-bent on humiliating those, who are condescending towards me.
Despite all of this, I think it’s possible to channel all these possibly harmful urges into something positive.
If you want to be admired and feel powerful, you can deceive yourself and others into thinking that you are, OR you can work towards being actually admired and powerful. That’s what I’m trying to do.
I used to go to a therapy group, where I realized that helping people gives me a rush of power that is much more satisfying than simple, selfish manipulation.
Honestly grateful "admirers" are much better than mislead ones. Thus, I found my place in the field of psychology….So that’s all.
You can be disgusted by me or think I’m a horrible person, but these are the feelings of a certain narcissist. And hey, at least I’m self-aware, and trying to better myself. And wrote this long text for your entertainment.
(So feel free to feel thankful and praise me. 😛 )
Theodore Lee is the editor of Caveman Circus. He strives for self-improvement in all areas of his life, except his candy consumption, where he remains a champion gummy worm enthusiast. When not writing about mindfulness or living in integrity, you can find him hiding giant bags of sour patch kids under the bed.