1. I’m tired of people trying to make me feel bad because I didn’t want to deal with this nightmare of a diagnosis. I straight up admit I absolutely did not fucking want a special needs child which is why I aborted my first pregnancy – there was a chromosomal abnormality so I noped out real quick.
Got just about every damn test you could with the second pregnancy and everything was fine. But no. Autism.
All I ever fucking wanted was a normal family, is that so much to ask? My life growing up was walking on eggshells because of my mentally ill father and intellectually disabled sister. Then I was free. Only to get dragged back into hell.
I’m tired of all the extravagant accommodations and never ending extra shit that goes into autism. We’re supposed to bend over backwards to children who only care about their immediate needs and themselves no matter what the fuck anyone else’s needs are – and then we get blamed for churning out entitled assholes.
I’m tired of this broken fucking kid and never ending heavy burden. While I would never hurt him I can absolutely see how this breaks some parents and these nightmare kids end up getting thrown off a bridge. (I’m not saying I would throw him off a bridge you drama queens, I’m saying I can understand how parents snap)
Pre natal diagnostics needs to get on the fucking ball.
Edit: like moths to a flame the autists are in full force to bitch about how awful I am.
Autism isn’t a shield for shit behavior. I’m allowed to be irritated with shit behavior no matter the origin. I’m human.
Guess what, you don’t live in a vacuum and your caregivers matter too. I’m sorry (not sorry) that the truth of raising an autistic child triggers you so much but, well, it’s not my job to cater to your feelings. Go somewhere else if you hate it so much.
2. My (40M) son (12M) has been physically and verbally abusing my wife (42F) and daughter (9F) for 3-4 years. Dozens of medicinal combinations, 4 hospitalizations (writing this from the hospital while waiting for a placement for his 5th), 8 months in a residential center, making his needs/problems the center of our lives (wife has had not worked or done anything but be his full time caretaker for years), have yielded no relief. I pay for a house the wife+kids live in, and an apartment I live in and work from a few miles away, because my presence/existence is an irritant to my son (and wife prioritizes son’s preferences/comfort above all else), and my daughter occasionally has to stay in the apartment with me when son attacks her.
Yesterday, wife and MIL and both kids went for ice cream, but the store was unexpectedly closed. That disruption in plans was enough that son escalated from standard daily behavior of punching my wife, to attempting to strangle her, and attacked elderly MIL with a heavy wooden board (luckily she knocked it out of his hands and was uninjured).
So, marriage in shambles, finances and mental health destroyed, daughter traumatized… all societal systems (US) from hospitals to cops to therapists to public schools to private schools to psychiatrists to psychologists to residential centers to crisis response (and probably more I’m forgetting) unable to help at all.
My daughter is mostly a joy and (aside from removing what she’s been exposed to) I would change nothing about her.
I regret my son’s existence.
3. The actual reason I had a kid was just pressure from society. I mean, this is what people are supposed to do you know? I’ve always made so much effort ticking all the boxes what people are “supposed to do”. I’m 30 years old and my biological clock is ticking. All my friends have kids so I thought to myself that it was now or never. Now I have this beautiful, healthy, lovely 2 year old whom I love more than words – make no mistake, I’m a good mom. But what I want is sleeping in, going to the gym whenever I want, travel, doing spontaneous things etc. That was my life before my daughter was born. I don’t feel this “rewarding” feeling everyone are talking about. I feel bitter and unfulfilled. I wouldn’t dare saying those things out loud to anyone.
4. I was told the moment you push out your baby & hold it in your arms is the most amazing, most magical, euphoric moment you will ever experience in your entire life.
So there I was..in the hospital, holding my new baby, waiting for it… I felt NOTHING. But I did lose a lot of blood though. I was told that C-Sections are not that bad. I’ll be fine! I couldn’t talk for weeks & barely had any energy to move. But I do have a long nasty cool looking scar that my wax lady points out to me every time I get a wax.
I was told that my breast would just go back to my regular size. My breast are so flat and saggy that I literally have to rush to put clothes on after I get out the shower bc I hate lookin in the mirror. I was told that it’s just “baby weight” it’ll go away after birth. My stomach is so fat & sloppy that it looks like I’m in the early stages of pregnancy.
I was told by my OBGYN that “I’m just in a phase, I’ll get my confidence back!” Today, as I write this in tears, I haven’t felt like me in years. Something’s off..I always look like I’m feeling & feel how I look (which is ugly).
I was told that “Kids are a blessing, you’ll enjoy it!” I literally look forward to every freakin day & night when my kid goes to sleep for that little peace & quiet time that I have to myself. This is the biggest highlight of my day! I use every bit of that time thinking about all that I could be right now before I enter parenthood.
I was told that I have “18 Summers to get it right” That is true & I take that to the heart, but I might just spend my whole adulthood living for my kid & I haven’t even enjoyed my life yet. Thing is, I could be the best parent ever & it still won’t ever be enough cause in the end, kids grow into individuals w/ a mind of their own. 70% comes from me & the other 30% will come from life itself. Life is the greatest teacher. Hopefully when she turns 18, I’ll have something to look back & smile about.
Knowing all the sacrifices, blood, sweat & tears it took to get here will be more than enough for my warm heart to accept. I wait everyday for that moment. I was told that this sht comes easy, being a parent is natural. I’ve been a mom for damn near 3 years & ain’t sht been easy yet. Literally been winging this sh*t since day 1.
I was told just taking 10 mins for yourself will do wonders for you. I can’t even take a shower w/o thinking I’m hearing someone crying & banging on my bathroom door. I was told that child support payments will ease the load. The court ordered $194 in payments & he doesn’t even pay that. I was told from friends & family that I have their support. I’ve had to quit so many jobs bc I had no one to watch her. I had to steal food so many times bc I just don’t have it right now. I was told that it’ll get easier, when?
The fact is, I was lied to.
5. My son is gifted. He’s also a gigantic fucking asshole.
What they see is the tiniest little sliver of a moment, and have no idea that the rest of the time is absolutely exhausting. He has behavior problems, is constantly argumentative, and lives to push every fucking one of my buttons every single goddamn day. It is honestly a battle not to hit him the way I would have been, and my reward for restraint and respecting his person is constantly eating shit.
He has no friends, acts half his age, and is a gigantic brat no matter what we do. I’ve had to give up my life to revolve around his, and I expected to be done by now honestly. Most mothers can get back to work when their kid starts school… I cant.
All of my fucking time is taken up by his endless needs, the time he’s in school is the only time I can get anything meaningful done. The entire parental load is dumped on me, as well as every speck of housework, and society thinks I need to bring in an income too because I’m not doing enough?
It’s all shit. All of it.
When he is on stage and captivates everyone, if just for a moment… I would trade all of it to go back and remain childless. I see parents whisper to each other that they wish their kid could be more like mine and it makes me want to cry. Because they don’t realize how difficult having a gifted kid is. Honestly I would have preferred a normal child.
I put on a brave face though, and gush about how proud I am. But I’m dying inside.
Lots of us regret. Even the ones you would never think do. But I regret all of it.
It’s funny how when I was younger the idea of a hardworking husband that could afford for me to be a stay at home mother to a gifted kid – that was like a dream scenario.
But that’s exactly what I got, and it’s a prison.
I love him and I will continue to do my best for him, but Christ this is the worst job I’ve ever had.
6. I fucking hate being a mother (and wife). There, I said it.
I’ll preface with saying that I do love my children , but It absolutely drains every single part of my being. To the point where I’m not sure I can keep going much longer.
I hate how I went undiagnosed with a neurological disorder my entire life until recently, which makes being a parent/partner so damn difficult. I could have made better choices had I known.
I hate that I grew up thinking because I was a girl, having kids was just part of life. I hate how we don’t normalize conversations surrounding the topic of NOT having children.
I hate that I even feel this way. Not like they asked to be here. So I go through the motions and try my best . For them. But what I wouldn’t give to go back 20 years and make different choices.
