How did you die the first time?
Well long story short, construction workers forgot to put warning signs on the freeway, I came on my bike at 90km/h in a turn and saw the obstruction. I had nowhere to turn so I hit the brakes and bam. Immediately after the accident my body shut down from the pain and physical damages on my body. No pulse, no breathing and no consciousness.
Second?
I was in agonizing pain after surgery so I received loads of pain killers. The pain, coupled with an immense amount of pain killers, caused my pulse to drop to around 10bpm and my respiratory system shut down.
Were you scared before you died or was it just so fast there was no emotion?
It’s hard to say if what I felt was fear.
Hmm I’ll try to explain. You know that feeling when you’re about to sleep and you feel like you’re falling and you WAKE UP. That’s what if felt like right before I crashed. Just a sudden shock. I don’t think there’s enough time to process the information and connect the situation with an emotion. You just feel that something’s not right.
Were you aware that you were in the process of dying?
Well the first time was right before the accident and the only thing in my mind was “oh fuck”
The second time I had no idea. I was in pain and all of a sudden there was nothing, just no life. Then I was awake and in pain again.
Did you know you were dead when everything went black? Or did they tell you later that you had died and you were like ohhh that’s what that was?
I had no idea, like I said, it was just black emptiness. No thoughts, no consciousness, nothing.
The only reason I know is because the doctors were obligated to share the information with me. “So yeah, you were dead for a couple of minutes, just fyi” hahaha
So if the doctors wouldn’t have said anything I would’ve just thought that I took a dreamless nap
Do you feel you ‘experienced’ this time of black emptiness or is it more that, your MEMORY of the experienced was – pain, pain, pain, GAP IN EXPERIENCE, pain, pain, pain? If there truly was nothing, your experience would have been nothing, not even black emptiness.
Damn, that’s actually hard for me to answer. It was definitely not just a gap. Much like a dreamless nap, you don’t just wake up and feel like time just jumped ahead. You know that you’ve been asleep for awhile. At the same time, you can’t really remember experiencing anything at all, unless you had a dream.
So yes and no. I experienced something, and that something was nothing
So did you feel yourself drifting away from consciousness or was instant, like unplugging a lamp and it’s off?
As far as I can remember it was just a sudden off/on switch sort of thing
And now I’m completely terrified of death. It’s hard for me to find comfort in an endless sleep and nothingness, I cannot comprehend being nothing if that makes any sense.
I think that’s why religion is a great way to cope with it. But an even better way of coping with it is to just accept the fact the death is death. Once you’re dead, that’s it, it’s over.
Are you religious? Did the accident change this at all?
I have always been an atheist, but I have always had a part of me that hoped there was a God or Heaven or something greater than us. I mean, who wouldn’t want there to be a Heaven? 😀
I am still an atheist, and now I know that there is no such thing as God or Heaven. At least not for me. My reasoning behind that is no God would ever put a person and family through such a experience. I mean, that would be one fucked up God hahaha
I am an Atheist, and always will be. But I believe that your belief is YOUR belief. The only thing we can share is our own experiences and let people make up their own mind. People need to stop forcing their own beliefs onto others
How did the conversation go when the doctors told you that you had died? And what was your reaction?
Well my first reaction was “omfg, that’s fucking cool! now I can tell my friends that I’ve been dead and come back to life etc” but most of those thoughts was the morhpine talking ^
Then reality sets in, and I realized that “wow, I could’ve been dead right now.” That’s when I started to understand how serious my situation really was
What’s your opinion on the experiences of people who report having consciousness after death?
I think that in their cases, their minds were still active. What they experienced was maybe just a sort of dream.
How do you feel about organ donations before and/or after your accident?
My thoughts on organ donations are unchanged. I want to donate my whole body. I believe that it’s super selfish to hold on to your organs when you have literally NO use for them. Do something meaningful after death and help save others lives.
“If I donate my eyes, I’ll be blind in the afterlife” is probably one of the many excuses for not donating organs. I think that’s fucking idiotic. I would rather go blind in the afterlife (if there is one) and help someone. And seriously, blind in the afterlife? How good can the afterlife be if there is a chance for you to be blind…..
Has your near death experience changed how you view or live your life in any way?
I focus a lot more on just trying to live in the moment and have fun. Sounds cliché but that’s basically it.
Also, I used to think about things that could kill me and be afraid/cautious. Like the risk of being electrocuted and be afraid of how easily something like that could kill me. Now I still think about the risks of death/injury but I don’t really care. If I die, then I die. Sounds like I’m suicidal haha but I’m not, there’s just no point in dwelling on stuff like that.
Will you continue to ride motorcycles?
I want to continue riding motorcycles! But I won’t. It’s too painful to see how it affects my family and friends. No amount of joy in riding bikes will ever be enough to put my family and friends in such a situation.
Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices for the people you love!
Do you fear your inevitable final death more or less now that you’ve experienced what it is like to die?
I definitely fear it less. I know now that death is nothing worse than sleeping. When you die, you just stop existing, nothing to worry about!
Is there anything you want to do before you die again?
All I want to accomplish in life is to have fun and make other peoples lives better as best as I can.
No personal achievement will matter to me once I’m dead, the only thing that will live on after my death will be my impact on the people that are still alive. And hopefully my impact will be positive!
Theodore Lee is the editor of Caveman Circus. He strives for self-improvement in all areas of his life, except his candy consumption, where he remains a champion gummy worm enthusiast. When not writing about mindfulness or living in integrity, you can find him hiding giant bags of sour patch kids under the bed.