To be extremely poor feels debilitating. It’s as if your vision is limited by your circumstances clouding the view beyond the now.
It’s isolating and oftentimes hopeless.
It’s like an unprepared army of one, who, if equipped with the right tools (knowledge, strategy, preparation, support and resources) could overcome and achieve anything.
It feels as if the world and systems are against you.
Sometimes it feels as if you’re misunderstood, underestimated, and forgettable. You feel like the “other”.
If you’ve climbed out of poverty’s pit, and like many, find yourself in its grasp again, you might feel like less than nothing. Unworthy. Incapable. Forgotten. Ashamed. Tired. Silenced. A statistic. Broken.
The systems that are supposed to help, set you up for failure, not to get ahead. With your head hung down so as not to be noticed, you trudge forward and a little voice wonders if this is it… Life. As good as it gets.
You’re resourceful. You seek help, even when it hurts and you have to swallow your pride and after the last encounter. Sometimes the service providers are burnt out. They seen it all and you’re no different. Maybe they come across rude, lack empathy or dehumanizes you but you know better then to let it get to you. You learn not to speak for fear of being “punished” as you did before (even though you were right) or fear of having your application for help “lost” or denied. Beggars can’t be choosers, right?! So you keep the edge out of your voice and attempt to keep the desperation off your face as you silently pray for a break (a little one will do. anything. somethings gotta change!)
Most days, you are busy trying to get by. You don’t seem to have time for self care, family fun or to maintain relationships. For a fraction of a second, you hope tomorrow will be different and dream a little about what it would be like if your situation were different. If you could just figure a way out. What if your daddy (or mom) hadn’t left? What if you were smarter, had more time or money.. what would you do with it?! Moments over. You don’t have time to “fantasize”. This is your life. Back to Survival Mode.
Besides, why bother dreaming when nothing’s worked before? You don’t know how to get ahead or the significance of it other than maybe moving out of the projects, not having to apply for assistance or see if it’s time for your next visit to the food pantry (cuz you know you can only go once a month, anyway).
Your baby boy needs help with his math work. Math you barely know. How can you help them or get out of this life if you cannot do 7th grade math?! You don’t say this to your child who believes you are a superhero and can do anything. You remind your children that you just worked all day, maybe two jobs, and you’re too tired to think (sometimes speak). Internally, you recognize that tonight, you dont have the capacity to teach yourself how to solve the equation so that you can show your son how to do it (maybe the wrong way, again!)… oh, he’s already figured out. You’re proud of your children’s intelligence, problem solving skills and how they look out for each other. .
Time for a quick shower (save water for the fish aka don’t run up the water bill). Brush their teeth and they head to “bed” /their side of the bed/ couch or mattress on the floor where you sign them a song and read a story (finally something free lolol). You hug and kiss your children and together thank God for the many blessings in your life. (Some people have it worse!)
You finally save enough to move out of your friends cramped place and into your own place. You’re grateful for the tax refund you got because it, along with help from a program for single parents, helped you pay the security deposit on a two bedroom for you and your children. You sleep on a futon in the living room so that your children can have their own rooms as they are getting older. You got them each their own bed from the furniture rental place and you excitedly layaway brightly colored bedding sets that are going to “ look great in their rooms!” You help your children make wall art in preparation for next month when your layaway will be paid off (and hope nothing comes up)
You can’t afford to live in a better neighborhood so you try to find cheap ways to get rid of the mice or roaches. You figure out how to make the repairs the landlord won’t make. You don’t sleep by the window for fear of a stray bullet. You keep a bat & mace by your “bed” after that intruder climbed through the window last time. You also hope the 2x4s the guy at home Depot cut and gave you at a discount, will keep the window from being jimmied (like last time). But every night when you walk in the door, you are relieved to be home. Your home. It feels good.
Except for when your with them and it’s daytime, you don’t let your kids play outside. Theu might get stuck with a needle, shot or witness a crime. Plus, there’s always too many dudes outside smoking weed and drinking, anyway. There isn’t a playground (or a safe one) for them to play at in your complex, so you take them to a playground or park a few neighborhoods away or let them go to their cousins for the weekend since they live in a “good” neighborhood. You also make sure you know whenever the rec is having free or cheap activities so your kids can have opportunities you didn’t.
When the ceiling leaks and your apt is flooded, you cry that you couldn’t afford renters insurance and have to throw out the free, used living room furniture from that non profit org. You realize you children’s birth certificates got wet and beg God for them not to be destroyed as you can’t afford to replace them and need them to apply for medical assistance for your children, since you can’t afford it from your job and you go without coverage since your state doesn’t offer medical asst to non disabled adults.
You want to be your best so you even though you’re tired after work, you iron their clothes, straighten up the apt and check your children’s homework. You set your alarm extra early so that they have time to make corrections in the morning. Looking at their book bags, you’re reminded that their school lacks supplies so they can’t bring home their books to do their homework. Maybe they attend a school that shares the book online code but with internet and a computer being too expensive, you may not have made it to the library on time to log in to do or print their homework (why do they have to type their homework anyway?!). Most days, their school is out of copy paper and can’t afford to send home work sheets so you hope your child copied down the worksheet correctly, this time.
When the teachers ask for items the class needs, you sacrifice money you had set aside for laundry to buy those items and wash your clothes by hand at home in the sink. You know teachers spend their own money on supplies (and snacks) for the class; you wish you could do more but are glad to help out a little.
Your child wins perfect attendance because your children never miss the school bus because it means missing breakfast and the cereal you bought Saturday, is for the weekend or after school plus…you can’t take them to school or your boss will write you up and you’re already on your last warning after calling out sick when your child had a temp of 104. You can’t afford to lose your job.
You are grateful that your children are required to wear school uniforms. You hope that last years uniforms fit as even with working overtime, you didn’t make enough to buy shoes , clothes and school supplies. Unlike their friends parents, you can’t afford to replace damaged or stained uniforms so you figure out cleaning tricks and how to mend so it looks acceptable. When your children outgrow their shoes and clothes, you’re grateful for half off sales at the thrift store or friends that hand me down.
You want better for your children and sometimes you hold on too tight, riding them about school work, appearance, speaking properly and their friends. Hoping they don’t realize they’re poor or mention it to anyone as you fear losing them because you’re poor (even though you’re a great parent!).
You teach them to take care of their belongings and theirselves. You make them do chores and keep their rooms neat so they don’t become lazy, hoping that even if they don’t have the right opportunities, they’ll be hard workers and able to survive. You take care of your children and give them lots of hugs because even though you’re poor, they’ll never be stinky, dirty, unkempt or unloved.
When it’s their birthday, you let them have a sleep over, play games and serve a homemade cake. You hope they like the gift you got them from the thrift store since you stayed up all night shining it to make it look new.. you hope they like the items you got from the dollar store and that they don’t break before their birthday is over. You hope they like the card you made them and that they know how much you love them. You hope their friends don’t comment about the gifts or lack of goody bags.
When your children are sick, you give them Tylenol and hope it brings the fever down so that you can send them to school because you don’t get paid when you don’t work, can’t afford to pay $20 for a sitter and don’t have money to get anywhere but work that morning and according to your counties laws, your child has one more year before they can stay home alone.
You typically pass on birthday invites because you can’t afford a gift or hope that no one notices that you didn’t bring one. You take a plate home so that you can save the food you cooked for the next days dinner…
You buy food from the discount shelf or ask for a discount on dented cans. You make a meal plan for the month and figure out how to use four pieces of chicken to make enough meals to last the week and feed four people. You never get off on time to make it to the food pantry and don’t know anyone else with extra food. Last time you asked your church for help, the secretary told everyone that you weren’t feeding your kids, even though they ate everyday… even when you didn’t eat or ate whatever discards they left on their plate.
When you speak with co-workers that live in better areas, you realize your children are disadvantaged. That their schools don’t teach them the same things, aren’t preparing them for the future, that they lack core skills , study skills, after school programs and so on. You enter school lotteries , hoping your children get into a better school. You are elated when your children test into gifted programs and are bussed into other areas to diversify them and raise their school test scores. You don’t care about the politics of it and wish those who did would shut up and see that your children might stand a chance in this world because of outdated practices. You are the marginalized. You get it. You, too, want equality but a secret, selfish part of you wants success for your children more than anyone else’s. You want your children to be able to hold their heads up high. To be able to go to prom. To finish school. To have friends. To walk the stage. To be valued.
You complete scholarship applications, hoping that your children can participate in clubs and sports like other students their age. You hope they get approved and that the remaining fees aren’t too much or able to be waived. You hope that your kid can grab a ride with someone else or that the activities are metro accessible. You hope that the program has loaner equipment and supplies. You then pray that the performance your son is in tonight doesn’t cost too much and wonder if you can use $20 from your electric bill to pay the entrance fee but you remember you already got a cut off notice and try to think if you can still take back that soap you bought and count the change in your purse to come up with $20 . Since you can only afford one ticket, you send your other child to play with their friends while you attend the event. You use your last $3 to buy your son snacks and Gatorade, a rare treat, after his performance.
In September you start calling around in search of Christmas help, knowing that you have to apply a few months ahead before they run out of spots. It’s getting closer to Christmas and you hope your childrens name are selected from the Angel Tree because you’re not sure how you’d otherwise afford gifts and everyone else’s child has been selected. You wait for 5 hours in line to get a small bag of gifts and hopefully some non-perishable goods for your families Christmas dinner.
You teach your children that holidays are not about gifts, not just because you can’t afford to buy gifts but because you want them to have values. You don’t want them to become materialistic because you’re afraid they might grow up to be poor because you are poor, your parents were poor, your grand parents and great grand parents were poor, too. You truly hope your children have a better life, but prepare them for poverty, just in case…
You decide that you want your children to go to college and have a chance at a “better life” so you go first when they ask what you went to college for but you only finished 8th grade and worked hard for your GED. You decide to be an example and work two jobs, go to school part time and sleep 3 hours a night except on Sunday you sleep almost 8hrs (yay!!). You wait 9 years to graduate expecting it will give you more opportunity and hopefully better pay. The loan refunds you receive while in school helps you save up to buy a (really) used car which affords you the opportunity to take a job that’s not metro accessible for a $2 raise (finally getting paid more than minimum wage!!). You work harder than anyone else and sometimes borrow your kids birthday money to put gas in the car.
Even though you’re not making a living wage, you hope that you don’t make $0.50 cents too much, like last year, and are able to get food stamps so your kids can eat healthier at home and qualify for free school lunch because that will allow you money to make that car repair that was needed last year and they’re outgrowing their clothes and shoes.
You hope your coworkers don’t notice that you wear the same clothes but switch them up. Or that they don’t get offended when you pass on their offer to go out to eat for lunch or happy hour because your can’t afford to join them. When everyone orders lunch, you’re excited that you have a $1 to buy an egg roll (a rare treat) but privately cry in the bathroom when someone eats it because you’ve not eaten all day and don’t have enough to buy anything else.
You are working hard and working extra hours whenever they’re available, but still need help. You reach out to organizations and find that they’re out of funds. You call churches who refer you to the other orgs that you already tried. You try the church again but they turn you down, even though they were your last hope. They invite you to a prayer event they’re having probably so they can make a spectacle of your poor family in front of everyone and raise donations for their building fund (no harm meant-and not every church or religious body is like that. Some are legit)
You pawn some of your children’s electronics their dad gave them just to keep the heat from getting shut off (and hope you can pick up extra hours to buy them back before they’re sold off).
You really don’t like that guy who keeps hitting on you, but he makes decent money and has offered to look at your car for free… help you desperately need. So you settle. You date him and even stay with him because the bills have become so expensive you can’t afford for him to leave, even though he’s abusive to you… but you’d never tell that to anyone and he doesn’t do it in front of the kids or so that they can hear so you live with it. Where else could you go? Who would help or even believe you since everyone thinks he’s a great guy and he comes from a good family while you‘re just trash.
You work hard, so hard that you’re “valued” by your boss and rated high, but never get promoted. You “don’t dress right” or “don’t speak properly” you “don’t best represent the company’s image”. You nod that you understand but cry on your way home because once again, you are not good enough. Plus you’ve stayed late and sacrificed another evening with your children to make overtime so that you’d get that promotion and so your child can go on their field trip. You took extra time to do your makeup and select that outfit at the career closet that gave you those professional clothes, because you couldn’t afford a new one. You cry, disappointed, because you’re in debt with student loans and the diploma hasn’t delivered the opportunities it promised. You cry because your feet hurt and the shoes you’ve worn everyday to work for the last two years have holes in them unable to be patched with cardboard or disguised with marker or shoe polish. You cry because you can’t see how things will ever change. You cry because you finally gathered the courage to kick “him” out and now resources are scarce but you’re becoming proud of yourself again, even amidst your struggle.
And then, you notice that old man who sleeps outside, even when it’s cold, and are reminded of all you have. Of your beautiful children waiting at home. Inside your old, musty apartment building that contains a million move, but also your favorite place to read and listen to your children’s laughter. You may be poor but you have so much for which to be grateful. You feel appreciative
– Wendy Mari
