I was 16 when I dropped out of public school to finish up online. That is when my prolonged bouts of social isolation started. I had friends, but these friends were people I abused drugs with (to cope with our life circumstances), as they weren’t socially adapted like most people our age.
As time went on I ended up cutting off all contact with them and haven’t contacted them since age 18. I haven’t had a social outing in 5 years. It’s liberating but embarrassing at the same time to be saying that.
I moved out a few days after I turned 18 into an apartment paid for by my parents. I’ve been here in this 2 bed apartment for 5 years. I can go months without leaving my apartment.
I’m so pathetically apathetic/majorly depressed/self-hating/unmotivated that I have allowed and manipulated/encouraged my mother to come over and pre-make all my food for me (salads, pre-cooked meat, etc) for a few days at a time.
She comes over every 3-4 days to clean my entire apartment (dishes, trash, etc) and drop off my food. She’s been doing this the past 5 years so I don’t have to leave my apartment, even if it’s something trivial like bringing in a case of water; she does it ALL.
She’s running out of energy and she’s getting reoccurring back injuries and shoulder pain from all the lifting she does. I can’t honestly tell you I feel sorry for her or guilty for her pain. I simply have removed all empathy from my being as a way to look out for myself and my “selfish” needs in order to minimize suffering and cope with my dissipating youth.
I literally do nothing to help her but retreat to my room where my computer is and wait patiently for her to leave. I can’t bare to see her. Although I am minutely thankful for her “helping” me with the necessities, I genuinely deep down have an innate hatred for her. She is arguably at the epicenter of all my suffering in life.
I am Hikikomori/NEET because I absolutely hate the way my face looks and I feel as if I’m not tall enough or robust enough body-wise. I have no motivation to better myself because the foundation of my life (my body/looks) is fundamentally flawed and subhuman.
I hate her because I inherited her objectively unappealing features via genetic recombination.
I can say — with confidence, that I just want to continue to be left alone. I can’t stand to face reality or the outside world and all the difficulties that would inevitably await me.
I do think about suicide a lot but I wouldn’t do it because I have a strong survival instinct and I would only be open to suicide via a certain pharmaceutical that is virtually unattainable.
It’s kind of liberating — to give up all hope in life. I feel so old. The past 5 years have flown past me in the blink of an eye. It’s all such a blur. The entire 5 years was spent watching youtube videos, playing video games and sleeping. The entire time, literally.
Everyday is the same, there is no difference as the days go by. What I do today Is the same thing I did 5 years ago when all of this started to get serious.
It’s hard to find people online who live such a life like me. There are days I want to cry but I can’t get anything out and it leads to anger.
Theodore Lee is the editor of Caveman Circus. He strives for self-improvement in all areas of his life, except his candy consumption, where he remains a champion gummy worm enthusiast. When not writing about mindfulness or living in integrity, you can find him hiding giant bags of sour patch kids under the bed.