I suffer from Autism, social anxiety, PTSD, and severe anger issues. At school I’m usually mocked by other peers for being the “weird white kid” and called a school shooter a lot because I had a crazy big obsession with the Columbine shooting.
I was and still an 16 yo and live in a small country with strict firearm laws but have access to them.
I was going through a really bad time in my life, I was struggling with my old best friend who helped me through my mental health but started to ghost me and use me for my money, my ex girlfriend at the time has just broken up with me and my social anxiety had turned me into a suicidal and angry mess.
I was dumped the night before because my ex liked another guy and I was really really upset and angry because it was like the straw that broke the camels back.
I was at school, this was on the 25th of August 2018 where I was super angry, these kids were picking on me and threatening to beat me up and laughing at me.
I was in a really bad mood and ranting in this journal I carried around where I ranted about my anger when I suddenly got the overwhelming feeling of rage and suicidal thoughts, I started writing about an idea to shoot Up the school.
I was writing quite a lot about it when I decided it would be a good idea to just do it.
I walked out of class when my friend walked past me and I remember saying “dude, go home.” and he asked why and I just said “I’m just going to do something, I recommend you just get the fuck out of here”.
I remember sending a message to my ex basically saying I was doing something and to just forget about me.
She had known I’d had these thoughts for a long time (I’ve had thoughts of brining a firearm to school since I was 10).
She started freaking out, calling me and trying to calm me down, I was about to walk out of school when all of a sudden I realized what I was going to do.
I remember calling the mental health clinic where I live and asking for my psychologist to pick me up and I told them what had nearly happened.
It was a very very scary experience, something that still messes with me to this day.
I’m in a happy relationship with someone else now.
I cut that ex best friend out of my life and still talk to my ex today, we’re good friends.
I’ve been a lot calmer lately after I started doing more therapy with my psychologist about my past bullying and all other stuff going on that I didn’t talk to.
I even temporarily moved to a school for people with mental health to calm down.
I’ve told a few friends about this and I ended up telling my mum and my older brother.
Theodore Lee is the editor of Caveman Circus. He strives for self-improvement in all areas of his life, except his candy consumption, where he remains a champion gummy worm enthusiast. When not writing about mindfulness or living in integrity, you can find him hiding giant bags of sour patch kids under the bed.