Navigating Codependency with a Parent While Prioritizing Your Marriage

Wife kicked out my mother, need advice!

I(27m) got married to my wife(28f) last year and since the beginning things weren’t smooth between mom and wife. 

Lil background – My mom(47f) raised me alone by herself as a single mother, dad was alcoholic abusive, She left him when I was 2, Mom was also pregnant with second child at that time but she opted out, so it’s only me and her all my life. Mom worked multiple low wage jobs to raise me, paid for my college(which exhausted her savings entirely) and when I started earning good, I bought my first apartment(earlier used to live on rentals). 

Now, at the time of marriage. My wife was OK with my mom living with us, because apartment is 3 bedroom so mom can easily live here. But soon after marriage, Wife started having issues with my mom living together! 
Wife clearly told me that my mom should move out or she will force her to leave! So I agreed with wife for the sake of my marriage. I rented out one apartment nearby for mom and somehow convinced her to shift there.
(Moms been living with me all her life, she never lived all alone so it was very uncomfortable for her to do everything on her own and live there, but I convinced her for my wife’s happiness) 

But soon after, wife got offended because I was sending mom monthly money for groceries, her medicines, other bills and the rent.(mom practically can’t afford to rent in my area, it expensive and she don’t even have much savings so I was funding her) But wife got super pissed, because she said, my mom is my extended family and it’s wrong that I am funding her life entirely. 
She said, my mom should work and earn her own money because she is still “Young”.
Another thing wife was pissed at, because mom’s living all alone so she calls me every now and then like 2-3 times a day, and wife said it’s too much and mom should find someone else to call.😞

Even wife’s mom and sister came over to school me that how my mom is affecting my relationship, and how my mom’s “toxic” attachment is bad, that she is “mooching” off me, taking my money and not even working or having her own social life! I was soo embarrassed when wife’s mom was saying this about my mom. Wife told me, I should give mom a months notice to find work or shift to outskirts in sharing living facilities if she can’t afford and she should not call more than once a day and if she can’t fund her life or still wants emotional support, mom should start dating and get a boyfriend of husband again!😑 

After a month, I was reluctant to agree with wife, mom got evicted from rental and shifted to outskirts in a shady neighborhood, sharing facility with 3 other women who are basically junkies/hookers. Mom is doing all this because she don’t want my marriage to fail because of her! She cried on phone to me. What should I do here? Is my wife right? 
Is this right that my wife is giving more importance to her “luxuries”, “travel plans” and she wants my mom to suffer? Wife wants my mom to basically start dating again and potentially get married because mom isn’t able to live alone because of financial and emotional reasons, but is that possible for mom?

 

This is a complex and emotionally charged situation, with several key elements to address:

1. Unhealthy Codependency: There appears to be a strong codependent relationship between you and your mother. This type of dynamic, where a parent relies on their child for emotional and financial support to an excessive degree, can be detrimental to both parties. It inhibits your mother’s ability to be independent and can strain your marriage. Recognizing and addressing this codependency is crucial.

2. Impact on Your Marriage: Your wife’s concerns are valid. In a healthy marriage, partners should prioritize each other and their joint life. The current situation, where a significant portion of your time, emotional energy, and finances are directed towards your mother, can be seen as neglecting your commitment to your wife. This could lead to long-term damage to your marriage if not addressed.

3. Your Mother’s Potential for Independence: At 47 and without any mentioned disabilities, your mother is likely capable of working and supporting herself. This would be beneficial for her own self-esteem and independence. It’s important to encourage her to find employment and build a life that isn’t solely dependent on you.

4. Setting Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is critical. This includes financial boundaries (such as setting a limit on how much financial support you can provide) and emotional boundaries (like reducing the frequency of calls to a level that respects your time and your marriage).

5. Creating a Support Plan for Your Mother: You can assist your mother in becoming independent without abandoning her. This might involve helping her find job opportunities, encouraging her to join social groups or activities, and possibly seeking counseling for her to adjust to this new phase of life.

6. Seeking Professional Help: Therapy can be beneficial for all parties involved. You might benefit from individual therapy to understand and navigate this complex dynamic. Couples therapy can also help you and your wife address the strains on your marriage and find a way forward together.

7. Balancing Support and Independence: While it’s important to support your mother, it’s equally important to encourage her independence. This can be achieved through a gradual process where you help her take steps towards self-reliance while still being there for her.

8. Regular, Balanced Family Interactions: Establishing regular but balanced interactions, like weekly lunches or monthly family dinners, can maintain your connection with your mother while respecting your own family life and boundaries.

Action Steps:

• Open Communication with Your Wife:

  • Have an honest and open conversation with your wife about the situation. Acknowledge her feelings and concerns.
  • Discuss how you can balance the support for your mother while prioritizing your marriage.
  • Work together to set boundaries that both of you are comfortable with.

• Encourage Independence for Your Mother:

  • Talk to your mother about the importance of her independence, both for her well-being and for the health of your marriage.
  • Explore job opportunities that are suitable for her age and abilities. Offer to help with job applications or skills training if needed.
  • Encourage her to engage in social activities, join clubs or groups, or volunteer to build her social network.

• Set Clear Boundaries:

  • Establish financial boundaries. Determine a realistic and sustainable amount of financial support you can provide.
  • Set boundaries around communication. Agree on a reasonable frequency for calls that doesn’t interfere with your personal or work life.
  • Make these boundaries clear to both your wife and your mother.

• Professional Counseling:

  • Consider individual therapy for yourself to navigate your feelings and responsibilities in this situation.
  • Encourage your mother to seek counseling, especially if she struggles with the transition to independence.
  • Engage in couples therapy with your wife to strengthen your marriage and work through any issues arising from this situation.

• Create a Transition Plan:

  • Develop a step-by-step plan to gradually reduce your mother’s dependency on you. This might include a timeline for her to find employment.
  • Offer support during this transition, such as helping her budget her finances or accompanying her to social events to encourage independence.

• Regular Family Time:

  • Schedule regular but balanced family interactions, like having a weekly lunch with your mother or a monthly family dinner.
  • Ensure these interactions are positive and don’t infringe upon your personal time with your wife.

• Long-Term Financial Planning:

  • Work on a long-term financial plan that considers your mother’s needs, your own financial goals, and the future of your family.
  • Consider seeking advice from a financial planner to manage these responsibilities effectively.

• Review and Adjust as Needed:

  • Regularly review the situation and the effectiveness of the steps you’re taking.
  • Be open to adjusting your approach as needed based on the changing dynamics and feedback from both your wife and your mother.

Remember, the goal is to find a balance where you can support your mother without compromising the health and happiness of your marriage. It’s a process that will require understanding, patience, and effort from all parties involved.